Sometimes I get frustrated...

Sometimes I get fed up.
I get tired.
I get frustrated.

I try so hard at tons of things,
but rarely does anyone congratulate me for them.
I try to improve my personality,
but people will often only see the old me, not the new improved me.
I try to learn as much as I can on everything,
but will never be good enough.

I'm not spectacular, I don't get involved in extracurricular activities.
I don't volunteer at the local humanitarian shelter of sorts.
I will never be special enough or poor enough to get money from the government.

I am just never good enough to get the job.
I try, but I am new at this and if only someone would give me a chance.
I have no experience, but that isn't really my fault.
I apply and apply, but I don't know a ton of people.
And if I do, they aren't hiring.

I am upset I didn't start looking for a job earlier.
I'm upset that I am torn to try and get one and then try to keep it during school.
What is it to get a job, but fail out of school?

I'm smart, but nothing special.

Survey-ie thing

So I nicked this from Steph's blog, where she nicked it from someone else. But hey, I'm bored and I haven't blogges in forever. Think of this as a nice, easing my way back in.

A. Age: 19 (forever a child at heart)

B. Bed size: single, but you're welcome to join me anyway... ;)
C. Chore that you hate: Mopping, which includes sweeping beforehand, which I also hate
D. Dogs:  1 Pomeranian (4 cats, more a cat person!) <--- possible cheating
E. Essential start to your day: Breakfast, devotional
F. Favourite color: Green (along with browns and blue, earthy tones)
G. Gold or Silver: Silver
H. Height: 5 foot 4 and three quarters <--- how I say it
I. Instruments you play: piano, guitar, and flute. (want to play violin) 
J. Job title: Student. Part time cashier 
K. Kids: None right now, maybe later!
L. Live: TN! 
M. Mother's name: why do you want to know? ARE YOU STEALING MY IDENTITY!?
N. Nicknames: Tay
O. Overnight hospital stays: Sort of, for kindey stones. Mainly becuase they bug me at night so we get there at night and stay part of a day. One time when I wouldn't stop vomiting.
P. Pet peeve: Too much commotion and noise (I can only handle my loudness)
Q. Quote from a movie: " If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything" Marty McFly -Back to the Future
R. Right or left handed: Right
S. Siblings: One bother and one sister
T. Time you wake up: Whenever I feel like it... I have a job now, so whenever I need to for that
U. Underwear: Always, bikini kind?
V. Vegetable you hate: All of them really but squash is sketchy
W. What makes you run late: I didn't get up early, or lost track of time.
X. X-Rays you've had: Lots...
Y. Yummy food that you make: Omelets with tomatoes and onions
Z. Zoo animal: Tigers


So there, now you know. 
Also in other news, I got a job at wal mart as a cashier. I will start training tomorrow, and I hope it goes well!


Pictures:

Things found upon cleaning..

I was rearranging my room/cleaning up the massive mess it is becuase if I don't have a I job I have to do SOMETHING productive.

I found a limerick I wrote forever ago and it was kinda funny:
Some find poetry awful
Some just think it unlawful
For words to rhyme
Upon the line
To them it's positively loath-ful

then some angsty poems:
With that negative attitude,
That dirty scowl,
You look like a panther
Out on the prowl.
You start to wonder why
No one will talk to you.
"Well they're all stuck up," you say,
Or maybe it;s you sour attitude.
Did you ever stop
And think to yourself,
"Maybe if i was nicer,
A new, better self!"
But no, you did not,
You didn't even try.
All you do is whine and moan,
The sit at home and cry.

Maybe I had some anger issues...
And now another mildly cynical one (sounds like it to me0
Beauty's on the inside,
Or that's what they seem to say.
Bit in this world,
This age and day
Beauty's on the outside.

Beauty's on the inside.
Whoever spoke those words
Didn't see how important to girls
To not be considered nerds.
Beauty's on the outside.

Beauty's on the inside,
Then why are all celebs thin?
Love yourself for who you are
And then you don't fit in.
Beauty's on the outside.

Beauty's on the inside
But no on seems to care!
All they want to be is skinny,
To live on nothing but air.
Beauty's on the outside.

Beauty's on the inside,
so many beautiful people
Lost to the war of being thin,
Sucked into the big black hole,
Beauty's on the outside.

Beauty's on the outside,
It's what the media tells,
For tons of girls fall for it,
Their souls now empty wells
There's no beauty.

What ever happened to real beauty?
We may never know!
With all teh girls starving thin,
No happiness just woe!

Beauty is really on the inside,
Though very few know,
I wish someone would help them
To see God's heavenly glow!

These were all written during my sophomore year in high school

Today we learn about the wild...

So as I have nothing to do I have decided to start learning me some knowledge. So I started with fish. The fish that live in the river I live next to are scary. I mean like I would not want to see that thing in real life. Anywhere from the giant fish monsters to the small sharped tooth fish, its kind of unnerving to think thats in the waters where you boat, fish and swim.

Next was animal noises. Straight up to really give the truth, be prepared if you go into the woods at night becuase none of the noises these animals make sound like they are of this world. No seriously, go look up what deer sound like. I know, I know. We see them all the time, but have you ever HEARD one? It's freakish. Same with an elk. So other than all animals being aliens we should be good.

Also, evidently throughout the ages long haired, hairy men have been living in the forests of everywhere pretending to be everything from bigfoot to a werewolf. So what out for them when you go for a walk. Some of them eat people, especially if you are a baby, small child, or woman.

Running errands and thoughts about life...

You know those woman that are just so skinny and pretty? They get all the boys and you think, if you could just lose some weight, do this and that, that life would be better? If only, if only then life would bet better. But truth is: it's not. Everyone has problems, and one of them is that we LOVE to focus on the negative things in life. Somethings always wrong, there is always something to complain about, worry over. We run in circles over and over in our minds about silly things that are out of our control. I'm not trying to be all deep here, or philosophical  I'm just trying to be honest about a subject that I deal with and know others must struggle with too.
Truth is we all hurt, we all struggle, we all worry and yet, if we're lucky, we are still alive at the end of the day.  It all has to do with how we deal with these challenges in life. In fact, are they problems to you or are they just challenges that you must face. Will this challenge really be the end of the world? Most likely it isn't.
Sometimes in life you just have to just relax and deal with the fact you cannot change somethings and somethings are not in your control. Actually, there is someone who can take those issues, your challenges and turn them into productive quests that will leave you with treasures that you will cherish for all of eternity... that's right the ever present man that you always forget about and tell him you can handle it.... God.

What have I done?

What have I done, or even accomplished this year? So much? So little? What have I learned?

I've completed my first year of college, finished my first semester of nursing. I've met new people, learned things about them, and things about myself. I've matured yet I'm still so young and immature. I've seen people struggle and people triumph, whether it have been becuase of school or real life issues at hand. I've changed and watched others change, but yet we all still kinda remain the same (I swear that sounds like some song, what song?!).

I've discovered more of whom I am and who I want to be. I've been shown the flaws I have and I want to fix them. I've discovered that while I am majoring in nursing, I still want to be creative, HAVE to be creative.

I also learned that I sound like Hannah Montana, and that someday I WILL walk into KRs and sing the Hannah Montana theme song...
I learned I'm stronger than I thought I was, but I recognize I'm still weak. I've grown up but I'm still a kid.

Life doesn't change based on how you look but on how you see life... and sometimes being the "smart" one means being lonely, but being smart isn't everything. Sometimes you have to have a little fun!

im trying to paint a pic of this

Amelia Island, FL: where I would like to be

Great show! Last few episodes have made up for the less stellar ones earlier

Bo Bo likes some old time religion

My first impressionist painting... I like to think I have talent 

Playing with some water colors

Wishing I was at the beach WHILE playing with water colors

Worries, anxiety and me

If there was one thing I did well, it was, and still is, worrying. Now I'm not talking about worrying about school and what not. Not that I do not worry, but I have gotten most of that under control, the way I like it. What I'm talking about is getting a job, signing up for summer classes, real life issues I cannot control.

And it seems lately all these things have come to a head and are all bearing down on me and I just don't know how much longer I can stand the pressure. I feel like I have lost the will to try anymore becuase the harder I try the less is seems things turn out for the better. It's like why even bother, it probably won't work out anyway.

To only burden me further is just family issues coupled with money issues (remember job?). But really who needs money when you aren't really going to have a ton of friends to hang out with anyway. Friends that are busy with their lives, their friends, and their jobs... which is perfectly understandable, I just wish I at least had a job to keep me busy.

And you know what? Why do I have to be all angsty like this. I swear I thought I left the teenager-ness behind, maybe when I'm 20 that'll happen. At least most people don't see me as that emotional. I mean I don't around crying and expressing everything I feel all the time...

Damn real lie is starting to catch up to me and is stacking up the pressure. i'm not allowed to be that kid anymore, I have to get a job, do this and that all by myself. And sometimes I think others, as well as I, forget I'm only 18, almost 19. I'm seriously not that old at all and its just like, what would I give to be able to goof off one more summer with people, one more year to just have fun with friends.

I know I haven't blogged in a long time but hey, I have been busy. I think this one is intense enough to make up for all the missed ones.

Day after day, 

smile after smile, 

you cruise along though life,

 mile by mile. 

Most things slide off your back,

not bothered at all

but eventually they start to pile up,

 swaying and leaning, ready to fall.

You've lost your will to conquer the world, 

that once fire that burned in your heart

now it's all you can do to go to class,

that spark gone, leaving you in the dark.

All those friends you once had, 

were nothing more than acquittances.

And now the few close ones, 

are heading to different places.

You feel alone in this crazy world,

not a soul to hold your hand

but the the Almighty God,

Who can guide you through this land

You've lost your will to conquer the world, 

that once fire that burned in your heart

now it's all you can do to go to class,

that spark gone, leaving you in the dark.

Every time you fall, you get back up.

But only for a while can one stand it all 

But now, after all this time,

you'd rather stay, curled up in a ball.

You don't though, you know you have to,

continue the day and keep moving

Becuase life stops for no one,

no one wants to be left behind? now do they?