Just as I am

I lie awake

Thinking how much more can I fake?

Don't even ask

You might see the man behind the mask

This conterfit soul is the price I pay for the games I play

But when you catch me off my guard

You see through the charade

Go beyond the disguise

You see me just as I am

And what comes through?

Can you hear me calling?

Can you stop me falling?

I'm only too aware

It's down to you

You believing in me

Seeing things within me

I never knew were there

Your faith can win me

You love me just as I am

When I'm on the run

And it feels like all my days are done

I look ahead

Feel the fears come tumbling through my head

Then you arrive, all my fears subside

Keep my hopes alive

'Cause when you see through all the lies

Look me in the eyes

Go beyond the disguise

You see me just as I am!

Can you hear me calling? (hear me calling?)

Can you stop me falling? (Can you stop me falling?)

Down, down to you

You believing in me (believing in me)

Seeing things within me (within me)

I never, never knew were there!

-Written for season 4, episode 6 of Cutting It

I really like the song...

Over break I did not blog or apply myself to anything productive

So basically, I took break as a serious break, from learning to exercising to really actually moving. I've watched so many new TV shows it's not funny and I've just begun to feel the anxiety of returning to school. I have a nursing orientation this evening and I'm mildly nervous that I will forget something. I've gotten the certifications to work at each hospital we get to choose this semester for clinicals. I promise I won't break HIPAA and the like. The books have been bought and the classes selected and it's only a few more days before I start off on the roller coaster of life that I embark upon so hesitantly.
What I want to be has always beens some scientific job. Nursing somehow found its way into my heart and has not left. I question if I will be a good nurse or even if I should do this job. But I don't see myself doing anything else. If anything it would be just another job that helped people and probably took up a substantial amount of my life.
Christmas has come and gone and a new year is here. Last year was a blast and yet I would not like to do it all over again. Maybe go to New York City again, and chill in high school some more, but one of those is really not reasonable. Over time I become more adult, and I'm not sure what that means. I am still trying to find that fun adult, not the boring, side and embrace it.

pictures?

Primeval: fricking awesome show! While they continue to kill off every one of my favorite characters, I still love it. 

Began reading the Harry Potter books... Also this pic shows my angst at school starting again and well Tom Felton is hot so theres really no need to explain more.

Discovered the TV show Merlin this year and caught up on it. Sadly I have to wait for forever for the next season!

still trying to make this!

just because

rest of my life

Well FINALLY!

Finally finished my very first semester of college. I may not have gotten straight A's, or even a B in one case (potentially), but I'd say I've accomplished a lot. I'm now down with the first half of A&P, done with Survey of Chemistry (at least until I have to take part 2, but that won't be for a bit), owned my other two generals classes and got into the nursing program.
I've learned a lot! Not just from the books either. I've learned lessons like you won't always get A's (ok I already knew this, but it kinda extends now to B's and is more fully reinforced). You will bomb some tests. I've learned how to study more efficiently, even if it was through mistakes and I have not fully mastered that yet. I've learned when to study for things and tests.
I mean I'd say I did pretty good for someone who has slacked a bit, although in relation to chemistry is doesn't matter if you slack or not, your grade is the same. I've watched 3 seasons of Merlin, 2 seasons of Dead Zone, watched the season of Lie to Me and Psych (which has a DOUBLE FEATURE TONIGHT). I haven't read a ton, but I'm getting back into it and learning to balance things and that you should have fun and not just study all the time. I now know HOW important it is for me to socialize with others. I also know that I evidently cannot really make new friends, and the ones I did make was more like they picked me... which actually sounds arrogant but I think it's becuase I'm funny (whether or not a lot of it is intentional is debatable) and potentially, dare I say, friendly. I mean I must not be that bad to hang around as I do hang out with some other students and they seem to enjoy my company as I do theirs, not just trying to survive our encounters.
I have discovered this wicked awesome thing online that allows you to get free books, but you also have to send free books... it's like lending in a more permanent way.
I've watched movies, worked out at the gym, gone out with friends (RED ROBIN) and found out a little about life. so I will make this a list as this is REALLY long for a blog

1. Holy cow life is messed up. It rally is not all rainbows and butterflies. But life does go on.
2. No, people do not yield when they are supposed to. Actually it is potentially NEVER.
3. I found out I may potentially have a whopping dose of bad luck... for real, I'm getting suspicious.
4. I'm evidently a complete nerd as I could really spend hours in barnes and noble... just being there is awesome...

PICTURES

New obsessions

Potential addiction!

Probably an addiction... and its bad as they are candy.... the real fruit was ok this... this is potentially deadly

OK, so I know this is my bagillionth blog today, and I tend to do that but...

I'm pretty sure this is kinda cathartic for me. That and I am avoiding studying. I did just finish a paper though, but I have to write another one that is due tomorrow. It's ok, it's a reaction paper on my opinion on the whole class, which is a religion class. So it's not like it has to be awesome like papers have to be for comp 101/102

So since we got netflix, and I'm bored, and have no life, and like to watch TV, and like to do non-productive things and not study, I have started watching a show I had forgotten about, called the dead zone.... Ok so it is about a psychic, but it is a bit more sciency. And I wasn't looking for that riveting of a show with tons of meaning and awesomeness... Though this one awesome in its own right.

pictures?

Oh chemistry, you bring out the worst in me... especially cussing wise

Maybe its magic... or maybe its Maybelline!

every minute of every day

tumblr blackout!

that awkward moment you wake up in someone else's bed... Oh but it's okay, there's a hot naked guy in it

what IS at sau

what is NOT found at SAU

this is me, sad like the gay kid off glee who falls in love with straight people... and when he finally falls in love with someone who is gay, doesn't get him

or Mr. schue on glee... that man is sad, he literally has NO ONE... all he has is the glee club

On your child and vaccinations

Yes dear people, it does quite appear that the infant mortality rate was going down since 1850 without the help of vaccines. However, should your child have gotten the disease, they result was the same Most believe teh decline has to do with better living conditions and more education. But let's think about it. Yes it is really uncommon for us to find most of the vaccinated diseases now days... that is rather in the US and western Europe.
Now let us say that there is a 1 in 2000 chance your child will die... you can fix this significantly, making the chance of your child dying next to none. So, you going to save the kid or take the chance. Oh so your worried about what is in those vaccines? Then you should definitely look into what your eating becuase I can assure you it will probably kill you long before the vaccine seemly attacks you(how the attack happens is unknown as there is no connections yet found...)
Well, let's just say if someone did get one of those viruses over here becuase they came from like Africa, or it was a biological weapon (obviously by a stupid terrorist as most would be vaccinated), either way... you're going down, more specifically your child.
You can do as you like, I'm sure your child will not get ill... I'm not going to take that chance..
PS modern medicine is not out to get you, that is insurance companies. Okay maybe there's that mad doc or something, but there are less infant deaths and life spans have increased. Not only that the quality of life has increased.

PPS good luck getting your child into school, or college, or into a job! Most places require you to not be a target or random deadly diseases... even at CDC....

Watch out for those potato chips. yeah those in your hand. Science has shown a DEFINITE correlation between lifestyle and health issues...

WAIT also they don't give your child autism... that's probably you and your genetics codes fault so stop blaming others..

This shall be an ode to SAU

O SAU, how  you have misrepresented
what you are and what you do
you have not ever had tasks completed
So to you I say, fuck you

As the days creep by

Each day is closer and closer to the dreaded exams. Some loom over my head like the eye of a storm. One small move and then I'm going to be swept away! Went to Gatlinburg for It Is Written which just means mass gathering of Adventists. Yeah, I went shopping instead. But there was free food; which was all VERY Adventist. It snowed, but not before it rained teh day before. Overall I really did enjoy the trip, even if it was with family... if you just don't talk a bunch and just go with the flow everything is fine... yeah I know, sad right?

Here is something that will be on 2 tests/exams and potentially 1 more. Chem test I took last friday was a nightmare. I will show you in pictures.

I walk in the room confident that all my studying will pay off.

thats me studying

What I THOUGHT was going to happen

Me starting the test and knowing stuff! THIS IS SERIOUS!

Halfway through the test

Time is running out and its really close to the end and I don't know what's happening anymore

If I die it will be because I drowned my grief with these